I can be the sunshine and still be the darkness. I can be the sunshine without giving up the deep river within me.
She once said to me— “some people are broken, they can never be fixed, and should just be put down.” I bristled, but my cynical side betrayed me by agreeing. I know plenty of people who are unwilling to heal.
It went unsaid that she is the best example of this. Her trauma has turned acidic in her veins. Her anger, her deep pain, informs her every breathe. She builds relationships based on manipulation, bitterness, hatred, a desperate need for control; she is truly toxic.
I wonder if she knows this about herself and that is why her opinion of these ‘broken’ people is so strong. Or perhaps that knowledge is tucked away in that deep, buried place where she hides the darkest part of her history. Not really aware at all, but enough a part of her that it fuels a desperate need to articulate these descriptions in a futile attempt to convince the world, herself, that she is separate. She is not one of them.
My entire life I have poured myself into building a happy life based on what outside voices told me this should look like, all the while ignoring the whispers of my own soul. I have always had someone to impress and something to prove. Earlier this year, I realized that I had only ever sought performative happiness without stopping to consider what actually brought me real joy. Now, I am committed to doing the real work within myself to build a life of authentic joy. I want joy that lights me up every day, that starts in my soul and moves with limitless growth.
For the past few months, I have been slowly remembering piece of myself that I left behind or denied in my commitment to the performance. Perhaps most importantly, I have remembered that I love to write. So I will write, as I continue to come up against internal blocks, as I continue to sit in the discomfort until I work through it instead of abandoning ship for the path of least resistance, as I continue to break down and rebuild myself again and again and again.
This blog is about authenticity and genuine healing. It is about letting myself be seen throughout this process. It is a work in progress that will continue to be developed and redeveloped as I go. I hope that in some small way my quest for real joy will help you to follow your own bliss.